My Cancer Story: The Diagnosis

My cancer story is the greatest push for me to start this blog for a few reasons. I began writing about my experience (here) as an easy way to update many people at once but found so many added mental health benefits to writing. I also found myself looking for people and other blogs who were talking about their experiences, how they were making seemingly impossible decisions, and what life might look like for me a few weeks, months and years down the road. The more I read I realized everyone's experience was different. I could not get enough information. When you're first diagnosed with cancer your doctor warns you of the internet and that it's a really terrible place that will convince you you are doomed. Part of that is true. It is a good warning to get AND there really is an incredible online Breast Cancer community. In the thick of my treatment it was so difficult to see past the next thing on the checklist. These other writers helped me realize that there was going to be a life after treatment, that I was not alone, and that, in the meantime, those who have come before us can help us through. So, if you are in the thick of it and cannot see past tomorrow, keep going, keep reading, keep hoping. I hope my story helps you feel less alone and helps you see there is a future beyond the treatment phase. The diagnosis phase is the hardest part. It gets better. I promise.

Discovering the Lump

Friday Aug 30, 2019 I am 34w pregnant with our first baby. My husband and I get into bed for the night to watch some TV, a very typical Friday. He snuggles into me and lays his head on my chest as he has done countless times. This time though he says, "Oh no babe, you have a lump!" Ummmm, what?? Lo and behold he was absolutely right. There was a hard lump about the size of an almond close to my armpit in my left breast. How had I missed this? I thought I was doing monthly breast exams. I obviously shower and feel my boobs when I wash my body at least once a day, right? I thought that was enough to be able to feel something. If I'm being honest though, I didn't really think I needed to be doing breast exams. So I thought something like a breast exam was sufficient. I was 29. I went to all my yearly doctor's appointments. I was as healthy as I have ever been. I was active and in shape. Plus! Breast Cancer doesn't run in my family! Cancer or any other chronic disease really does not run in my family. This couldn't be cancer but what in the f*ck was this??

So I called my PCP and my OB/GYN the next day. Of course it's Labor Day Weekend so it turns out I actually have to wait until Tuesday to talk to someone. Friday-Tuesday. 34w+ pregnant. Awesome. Maybe the lump will go away over the weekend?

It's finally Tuesday, the lump is definitely still there and both doctors give me a similar response. They say things like "oh you're 29 years old, you don't have any history of breast cancer in your family, you are pregnant and experiencing lots of changes in my breasts, 85% of lumps in the breast are benign anyway." Ok. Deep breath. They're right. It's nothing. My PCP ultimately deferred to my OB/GYN. I had an appointment with my OB that Friday anyway so could check it out for me then. My OB also agreed with my PCP; it was okay to wait until that Friday appointment to come in. Cancer surely would require me to go in today, right?

Friday finally comes around (35w1d). At this point it has been a whole week since the lump discovery. Nothing has changed with the lump except for the fact that it is now sore because I haven't been able to stop touching it since last Friday. My OB is as chill as ever and says, "Eh, doesn't seem like anything to me...probably something with your breast tissue changing from the pregnancy...but we don't mess around with anything with the breast**. I am going to write you a referral and I want you to schedule an ultrasound for early next week."

**I have to take a moment here to talk about my doctor. She did not once question my concern or put it off even though she did not suspect anything serious. She immediately acted and got me in touch with a specialist. I have heard so many stories about people who go to their general doctors with a concern (as you must do first because you cannot see specialists without a referral for some reason) and the doctors just brush it off....all to find out later that the patient has a late stage of disease that is now more difficult to treat/cannot be treated. I cannot stress enough how important it is to find doctors who listen to you, who do not mind your questions (you should feel comfortable asking as many questions as you want!) take your concerns seriously, do not gaslight you and help you find the answers you are looking for. You know you better than anyone in this world and if you think something is wrong keep pushing for answers. Get multiple opinions (good doctors will not be offended by this!). Find different doctors that align with your values if that's what it takes. You are your best and only advocate and your life quite literally depends on it!

The Ultrasound

Tuesday September 10th, I go to Solis Mammography alone because everyone keeps saying they're not worried. So it's pregnant me and a bunch of old women just waiting for their mammograms. Had I not been pregnant I believe they would have done a mammogram but to protect the baby, I had to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech called me back and little did I know this lady was the first of about 100+ hospital personnel to see and touch my boobs over the next 8 months. Imagine Jim and Pam with the lactation consultant but instead of the postpartum room at the hospital, they have just arrived in purgatory.

After the ultrasound the radiologist came in, asked if I had anyone with me and then, after I said no, he proceeded to tell me there was a good chance this was cancer but he needed to do a biopsy to confirm. I stayed for the biopsy and still left thinking there was a chance this actually wasn't cancer. Looking back, the doctor knew exactly what it was right then and there. Later that week I received the appointment report classifying the images as BI-RADS 5.

The night of the biopsy we had a baby class at the local hospital. When I left the class I had a voicemail from my OB's personal cell phone where she told me to "call her any time on this number." Eh, that's not good. It was late when we got out of the class so I waited until the next day to call her. When we spoke she asked me how I was doing and I just told her I was trying not to freak out until we knew something for sure. She agreed that was a good approach. The results of the biopsy were expected by the end of the week (Friday the 13th no less) and I had another OB appointment scheduled for Monday September 16th. I didn't get a call that week so I took it as a good sign - if it was cancer, it surely couldn't wait! Friday September 13th was also my mom's birthday. She lives a plane ride away and had we gotten the call that day the only option would be able to tell her over the phone. Needless to say I was relieved to not hear anything on *that day* and I would be able to talk with my doctor in person Monday.

9.12.19 - 36 weeks, two days after my biopsy

Waiting for Results

I am not one to raise the alarm unless absolutely necessary. What good does it do to worry before you have confirmed you should actually worry? Cahill and I were the only ones that knew about any of this and we had agreed it would stay that way until we had real answers. Saturday September 14th (36w2d), we went about our weekend as usual and decided it would be a great day to do some final little house projects. We had errands to Home Depot, Lowe's, and Garden Ridge. As we're checking out at Garden Ridge with our new backyard umbrella (so the baby could have some shade!!) I feel this trickle of water down my leg and it seems as though I have peed myself. Y'all it was so hot and I felt so huge it barely even phased me. I went to the bathroom to check it out and it really did not seem like pee. Cahill pulled the car around and I told him, "Ummm I think my water just broke but I'm not really sure." It was about 4pm. We had one more errand to run and so we decided to go ahead and take care of our last errand. I would text our doula and see what she had to say. She told me to get home and lay down. I laid down for 30 minutes, as advised, and when I got up there was another gush of clear water. At that point we were almost certain my water had broken and we needed to get to the hospital soonish. First though, we needed food.

We arrived at the hospital about 7pm, sandwiches and snacks in hand. I still wasn't contracting. We checked in, watched football (remember it is a September Saturday) and with little hurry from the triage staff at around 9pm we confirmed my water had broken. We were staying to have a baby and my mom had a flight that would get her in about 10am the next day. I started a low dose of Pitocin around 11:30 pm, received my epidural around 2am and my doula arrived shortly after. I was ready to push by 8am but my actual doctor was on call that day and was on her way. The nurses asked if they felt like I could wait until she got there. With an epidural? Sure I can wait! I absolutely adore my OB. She's like a little celebrity in our town because she's so genuine and kind to her patients. Of course in the moment I thought she wanted me to wait for her because I was her favorite patient (LOL). Now I know she really just wanted to be there for me and with me because of the news she was going to give us the next day. Guys, when you find doctors that truly care about you, don't let them go.

Our baby girl was born at 8:47 am on Sunday September 15th 2019 - 36w3d and officially a preemie - just in time to watch the Cowboys win the noon game. We enjoyed the rest of the day with our new baby and family.

9.15.19

Dx Day

We'd made it through our first night of parenthood quite well, ignoring the impending information. Monday morning the postpartum nurses came in to take our girl to the nursery for a little check up. While she was still away from the room my OB came in to check on us. My labor and delivery had gone very well and there were no real concerns with my postpartum care. We discussed the formalities of my L&D quickly and then she told us that I had Breast Cancer. We all cried together, hugged and discussed next steps. The OB/GYN office had made calls, set up all my necessary "next step" appointments and sent in all necessary initial patient paperwork for me. I would be receiving calls later in the day with more information. Also, my surgical breast oncologist was in the hospital for surgery and would be stopping by later to talk with us. My OB left and not even 10 minutes later my mom, mother-in-law and sister-in-law arrived with coffee and breakfast in hand for their morning visit. They knew immediately from our faces something was wrong. "What? What is it? What is wrong?" I couldn't say it but Cahill was able to get it out. His voice cracking through his words, "There is no other way to say this than to just say it. Trina has Breast Cancer." It was a surreal moment. One that stops the world from moving around you. A cancer diagnosis in a postpartum room for first time parents. You literally cannot make this stuff up. But what can you do but put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes. It was terrifying but we had a healthy baby to take care of and until my appointment with the oncologist that coming Friday our baby girl was all that mattered.

9.16.19

Dx Day: The First Anniversary

I had so much anxiety before my daughter's first birthday. How could I still be happy and fully present for her when such a significant and sad day followed it? The birthday came and passed and so did the first anniversary of my diagnosis. When my one year and one day old was finally asleep that night I cried. Like sobbed. Because the day was over, we had a wonderful birthday celebration for my precious angel girl. I had survived a whole year from the day that turned our life upside down, and everything was more or less okay.

September 2020

Now, more than 3.5 years later, I look back at that day and those two weeks before "Dx Day" and I see so many blessings. There are so many signs that God has been there with us all along, but especially at the beginning. The timing of everything was just so perfect for an imperfect situation. My husband just so happened to lay in the perfect spot to feel the lump. My water broke while we were waiting for my biopsy results bringing my mom into town. My doctor was on call that Sunday. My daughter was born at 36w3d officially making her a preemie. Did you know that if a baby is premature you can get a prescription for donor breast milk from the milk bank for the first year of your baby's life? The list goes on...

Just because there are so many obvious blessings, though, does not mean that there isn't still grief. It is a very complicated emotion to sometimes feel so blessed and so sad at the same time. However, two things can be true at once. The thing is, when you're good at staying positive all the time, the hard days sort of come out of nowhere when you're least expecting it. But when those days do come up, I am learning to listen to myself, acknowledge what I am feeling, and set boundaries to help me heal in places where I'm still a little broken. After all, I am still healthy otherwise, right?

Spring 2023