In sickness and in health. I remember writing a letter to Cahill on our wedding day. I do not remember the exact words of the letter but I remember telling him that I knew the inevitable tragedies of life would come and that I even looked forward to the day we were able to work through a big challenge together. What I didn't expect was for that day to come so soon, especially in the "in sickness and in health" category. Cahill had been looking forward to becoming a father for a very long time. It was a role he was so ready for that barely 24 hours after becoming a father, God granted him the opportunity to become a caregiver too. He accepted both roles with gratitude and grace and one hundred percent out of love. Even though these are technically things we're "supposed to do" it's never as easy as it seems.
When I say "God granted him the opportunity", I don't mean it in a "blessing" sort of way. God does not curse us with cancer or other tragedies, but instead gives us the tools, the people and the support we need to work through a challenging season. Our marriage is the blessing. We were granted the opportunity to accept this next chapter in our marriage. It was an opportunity to make our marriage stronger and to prove what we always knew was true - whatever the challenge, we would get through it together.
Finding the balance between spouse and caregiver can be difficult. There are such complicated emotions involved for the spouse just like for the patient, but often since the caregiving spouse is well, their needs are overlooked. One night we were up late talking and decided we needed to do a few things to prioritize our relationship a bit more than usual during this time. Now, even a few years removed from the thick of cancer treatment, we still practice many of these "rules'':
We were allowed to cry whenever we needed to. In order to support one another we needed to be open with each other about how we were feeling. There was no need to suppress emotions or try to "be strong" for one another. We needed to feel all the feelings and hopefully by giving ourselves that grace, our emotions wouldn't weigh on us so heavily.
We would make time for our relationship and have fun whenever we could. I received the majority of my treatment at MD Anderson. Every two to three weeks we would travel down there, leaving our daughter home with both her Grandmothers, and have 1-2 nights to be together, just us. Houston has some incredible food, so we would have a date night and then go to my appointments together. When we decided we would seek treatment out of town, I feared it would feel burdensome and exhausting, but that extra time for just Cahill and I really nurtured our relationship at an extra fragile time.
We would accept help when it was offered/try to ask for help when we could. Why is asking for help or even accepting help when it is offered so hard? We reminded ourselves though that it makes people feel good when they can do something for you in times of need. We needed the help and people wanted to help, so we pushed away the initial reaction to say no and decided to accept the offers whenever they came.
We would make time for ourselves/ask for personal time when we needed it. It was important to do things for ourselves at this time. Go out to dinner with friends, have the morning to sleep in or rest, and do other things that create a sense of normalcy in our lives. In order to recuperate we must find a way to give ourselves some "me time."
We would go to as many appointments together as possible. Not only did this give us more time together, but we also had two sets of ears every time the doctors spoke. Two people processed the information and no one was left to reiterate the conversation later. There was only one appointment Cahill missed. He was out of town with some friends (fulfilling #4 above). He, of course, made sure I had someone there with me even in his absence.
Illness and caregiving can make you feel so lonely and isolated, we knew we needed each other as much as possible. Even though Cahill was the "well spouse" and I wore the hospital bracelet, it was "our" diagnosis. As with all facets of relationships, we each had our role to take on, but it was us together every step of the way. Neither of us had to go through this alone. While I am sure from Cahill's perspective his role was less difficult than mine, I do not envy the role of the "well spouse". They are often required to continue on in their lives as if nothing has changed while also taking on more responsibilities at home. I am forever grateful to Cahill for so naturally seeing it as our diagnosis. To him, there was no alternative. When we vowed the promises of "in sickness and in health" to each other many years ago, we only had an idea of what that would look like in reality. We surely understand its meaning more so now and I can only hope if given the opportunity to be Cahill's caretaker I would do so with the same kindness and selflessness that he has.
We all have our own coping mechanisms when we are faced with adversity. Most of us don't even know what those coping mechanisms are until we're in the thick of the moment. It can take time to adjust to these major life changes. If you are a spousal caregiver (or a caregiver of any kind), do not be afraid to ask for or seek help. Asking for help may feel like a form of weakness, but it absolutely is not. Caregiving is an incredible undertaking, especially for someone you love. Give yourself grace and take it a day at a time.
A few faith based book recommendations* for anyone trying to make sense of nonsensical things in their life right now:
Free of Me: Why Life is Better When It's Not About You By Sharon Hodde Miller is a great book to read by yourself or with a group. At the end of every chapter there are questions and bible versus to consider and reflect on. I read this book by myself and did not usually complete the end of chapter reflection activities so do not let this aspect of it scare you away if that's not your thing. I loved this book because it completely changed my perspective on life as well as my relationship with God (for the better). We live in such a "me" centered world, where comparisons are promoted and we often question why we aren't more like someone or something else. This book completely strips you of these ideas and "frees" you of the burdens of comparison. If you have ever thought "why me", this book is for you.
It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered by Lysa Terkeurst challenges readers to confront emotions of disappointment and the unexpected turns of life and turn them into opportunities to shift our perspective. She shares her thoughts on how to better process unmet expectations and other painful situations and also gives us tools to stand strong and persevere through unsettling relationships and uncertain outcomes.
*All links are affiliate links, thank you for supporting Healthy Otherwise!
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